More than meets the eye

:)

2009-04-09T10:45:00.001-07:00

To laugh...to dance and sing. To let go of the ties that bind. To believe...

Beauty in the moment, love in the air, happiness at constant intervals.

I think of you...

Burdens wash away and life is good.

TERROR

2009-04-06T16:12:00.001-07:00

What? Inconsistent turmoil that plagues my waking eyes...too soon, too consumed with the unyielding fear, a binding; a curse.

Why am I so terrified of happiness? Why am I so scared to allow life to happen? Why do I so persistently cling to the need to find all possible endings to given situations and try and determine which path would cause the least amount of heartache...

I'm so tired.
Please "god..." keep my feet from running, keep my spirit light, free my insecurities and fears.

Damn it!! Why does life have to constitute so much fucking terror? I talk of freedom yet am shackled with chains of uncertainty...

Grumble grumble....pointless mindless chatter of a scared little girl. Scared of my humanness.

LOVE IN THE MOMENT

2009-02-04T19:26:00.000-08:00

If I could frame this moment in time I would label it love.

Love of life, of reality...love of all that is. Not all that may be, for that does not yet exist...

But love. Life. Time. Moment...

The being inspires the becoming, the becoming in essence, the being.

This moment. So beautiful... A moment- A MOMENT... For life is made up of many moments that string along to form memories and set the path for future.

Yet future does not yet exist... It only resides in my dreams until the time it becomes moment.

Now...now a new moment. Yet another moment labeled love.

Riot

2009-02-02T15:05:00.000-08:00

Inconsistency.... the strangling feeling of losing a battle never fought.

These incomprehensible ebbs and flows, these fracturing modes of nihilism, what are these raging seas within?

They are emotions, they are vibrations, they are that which makes me me...

YOU AMAZE ME...

2009-01-28T20:56:00.000-08:00

Passion, fire, love; eyes closing slowly as thoughts of you pervade my mind and body...

Remembrance of your touch, your kiss; remembrance of you...

I close my eyes and relive each precious kiss and smile with an overwhelming sense of joy. You have no idea how you have affected me... Perhaps you do; do you see it in my eyes when I look into yours, or do you feel when I touch you and clinch ever so lightly at random moments as if I am trying to speak through my hands cause I cant seem to form the words?

Sitting here thinking about you I feel dizzy with the physical recapitulation that makes me weak in the knees. You amaze me...

Your smell lingers on with me into the night bringing blushing cheeks and drunken smiles... consumed with a love so new. A passion for you...

I now know how Alice must have felt falling down that hole, that unending channel to another world of amazing wonder, the world I share when I am with you... I often think its not possible for me to fall any further until I again am with you. It seems that I constantly reach new depths with every moment we share.

I love waking up next to you, sleeping in your arms, feeling the intensity of your embrace...I treasure you... I admire you... I...

OF OLD AND NEW LAW-TABLES...ZARATHUSTRA

2009-01-19T20:13:00.000-08:00

"There is an old delusion that is called good and evil. Up to now, this delusion has orbited about prophets and astrologers.
Once people believed in prophets and astrologers: and therefore believed: 'Everything is fate: you shall, for you must!'
Then again people mistrusted all prophets and astrologers: and therefore people believed: 'Everything is freedom: you can, for you will!'
O my brothers, up to now there has been only supposition, not knowledge, concerning the stars and the future: and therefore there has hitherto been only supposition, not knowledge, concerning good and evil!"
-Thus Spoke Zarathustra: Of Old and New Law-tables 9

The above excerpt has been my state of questioning in recent thoughts. Predominately the validity in the concepts of 'good and evil'....or fate and destiny; and to the reality of the equation- truth and will. Belief, if you will, that correlates the fragments altogether; forming a sort of 'truth' unshakable to those who's eyes are closed, and comfort to those who seek security in a cookie cut solution.

Is there not more? Aren't these 'concepts' merely that; concepts? Waste passed down hidden under doctrines that produce entrapment? A sort of authoritarian enslaving to keep ones soul at bay? To keep one from asking too many questions that could inherently spark change- a becoming? A becoming of one much stronger than man's dogma of control, of order; but a movement and a right to knowledge. A search for the real. For change. To be burnt in pursuit of higher grounds. Is that not the point of rebellion in the onset?

I have heard people say that ignorance is bliss... I have heard people say that knowledge is evil... I have also heard those same people express more fear and terror of living life than of anyone else I know. Ignorance is not bliss, it is just ignorance. As far as knowledge being evil...according to who? Who determines what is evil? What is good? Why is it that I am "supposed" to adhere to what is considered evil and good? Control-order-conformity. No, not for me-not today.

I choose to go with my own reason, my own logic...I don't believe what you say because you said it, tell me why you said it. If it bears in agreement within, I will honour it. Otherwise it's merely your perception, your opinion. I have learned that I am an ever-changing individual who's structures and beliefs so rapidly change that I quit trying to keep up. I now just, roll with it. I bask in the vastness being opened up to me, as I choose to search it out.

To me...ignorance, if settled for, is the evil (for lack of a better word). How canst one grow with closed eyes and a comfortable state of numbness? Whats the point? There is more...

"Willing liberates: for willing is creating: thus I teach. And you should learn only for creating."

There are those who settle in life, there are those who avoid life, and there are those who seek to truly live life. There are perplexed combinations of all walks, varying opinions, emotions, beliefs, and perspectives; there are leaders and followers, questioners and solvers; there are those who are simply apathetic and spineless- I have been all of these.

So now a new approach. Push the limits, question everything- for the sake of logic- grow in the direction I am taken, learn to fly.

Allow jumbled thoughts to be random outlets, as written here....

BREATHE

2009-01-04T17:29:00.000-08:00

Static....static....

My mind cluttered and full, brimming over with perplexity, breathe..

Problem, there is an equation at hand. There is a solution. There always is. Breathe...

Spinning and overflowing, "insecurity", fear, riddled with it all, riddled with life.

Sometimes it is too much, I wish I could retreat into the woods, into solitude.

I love. Breathe...

Sigh, in deep...out slow...breathe...

Sleep, the solution. Let go, the choice. Broken connections and cords tattered and torn into a thousand and one pieces.

Life. Breathe...

Just be. Just Breathe...breathe in and be still.

EXPRESSION...

2009-01-01T13:47:00.000-08:00

So in relation to expression, expression in the audible sense and otherwise... In our minds we have so much that we wish to express, some of which we do and some of which we don't. So what then, is the means by which we decipher what we express and what we do not express...? For me is has generally been fear of some kind that hinders my expressions. Knowing then that whatever I say/do- whatever I express- will have an effect on those around me and situations at hand, why do I hold back? Simple...in honest self-analysis it is the realization that I have NO control over how my expression is received, and what then shall be reciprocated as a result. Every single utterance produces certain effects that follow.

Everything I say...do...starts a reaction. Tracy Chapman says "what chain reaction would cause an effect...would you change..."...

Previously I had written about the ability to "say anything", and I now realize it is much more than that. It is the saying and the doing, it is the saying and the not saying; it is the moment we live in and what we do with that moment at hand. It is looking back over my life and seeing where I 'could' have done something differently, what I 'could' have said, or not said...and then striving for the point at which there is no need to look back.

The Moment. The Becoming.

In relation to be-ing a social being; expression is the means by which we, well, socialize. Noise, language, looks, exchanges...actions. Newton says "for every action there is an equal or opposite reaction". This is, in my opinion, the formula correlating expression. It is courage in the face of the enemy; the enemy here being our own be-ing. Our social exchanges...our morale in a sense. It is the collision of intensities that makes us human. Or is it?

No looking back...the goal. To accept the life we have lived, the expressions we have expressed; and the willingness to do it all over again with no recourse. The point of Zarathustra- no looking back. That is the Zen in the moment. To be there. "This long lane behind us: it goes on for an eternity. And that long lane ahead of us- that is another eternity. They are in opposition to one another, these paths; they abut one another: and it is here at this gateway that they come together. The name of the gateway is written above it: 'Moment'". (Nietzsche-Thus Spoke Zarathustra pg.178)

...And this is it...when extolling or abasing expression, when expressing, the focus goes straight to the control aspect. We, no excuse me, I am either in regret and reflection of the past or in fear of the future; of the 'cause and effect'...of the moment at which there is freedom. Freedom... True freedom. "Nothing is certain. Life is full of uncertainties, full of surprises- that is its beauty!...Life goes on moving with a thousand and one uncertainties. That's its freedom. Dont call it insecurity. I can understand why mind calls freedom insecurity...Freedom creates fear. People talk about freedom but they are afraid...". (Osho-last weeks message from Osho facebook group)

This is moment, freedom, and expression...yet as thought- freedom is a bit terrifying- Clarity...? Not in the sense of sober minds, but in the sense of reality. There is POWER in clarity, in freedom, in moment, and in expression. They are the guiding forces which institute a hope and a reprieve...a search- for the real. The will to power. "Thus the will, the liberator, becomes a malefactor: and upon all that can suffer it takes revenge for its inability to go backwards. This, yes, this alone is revenge itself: the will's antipathy towards time and time's 'It was'". (Nietzsche- Thus...pg.162)

Dont look back...

"All 'It was' is a fragment, a riddle, a dreadful chance- until the creative will says to it: 'But I willed it thus!' Until the creative will says to it: 'But I will it thus! Thus shall I will it!'" (Nietzsche- Thus...pg. 163)

Thus shall I will it...hmm...

So to another facet of the spectrum we take a look at the state or standpoint of "I don't care." Liberating, Zen; reflection of freedom and moment. Not in the tone of apathy; but in a trajectory of be-ing in the moment.

To relate it back to expression; being able to allow expression to shine through in spite of the frailty of pride or desire for control- and to just express. To simply be. Be-ing. Being human. Flowing intimately with all its intensities, noises, passions, questions, longings, and fears. Moving freely; frame by frame. Living and breathing each precious breath of now and of today.

Expression.

To 'see' the true sense of hollow. "The world is hollow. In-itself anything is precisely nothing. A thing exists positively only in the precise sense that it exhibits certain forces, that it forms connections or disjunctions with other things, or assemblages of things, in such and such a way...Love is not a question of signals, but of production. Not words but noise. The word is hollow: in itself everything means precisely nothing. Yet no thought is ever without its heretical dimension, its strange and apocalyptic promise — the dangerous promise of possible knowledge." (Joe Weissman- Transparency: Fractalontology.wordpress.com) The meaning is what fills the gaps and transforms the hollow and the nothing into the full and intricate...the meaning, the expression; the intensities that bind our eyes to slant with passion and that causes our hearts to beat with a persistent yearning.

To exemplify the life of love in which we live. To see the beauty in what makes us who we are... "Where is beauty? Where I have to will with all my will; where I want to love and perish, that an image may not remain merely an image. Loving and perishing: these have gone together from eternity. Will to love: that means to be willing to die, too." (Nietzsche- Thus...pg.145)

The tragic comedy that we call life...lived from expression.

The Hike

2008-12-22T20:08:00.000-08:00

"I love you"...she said. He looked at her and smiled. "Let's go, I have a surprise for you." He grabbed her hand and led her towards the hiking trails.

They followed the well trodden path for quite sometime, talking about life, love, nature; they laughed and gazed at the wonder that surrounded them. From time to time they would look at each other as if they were both about to say something but then just smiled instead. The path was alive with others walking and jogging. There were bikers and pet owners, families and couples....much too populated for the exchange of glances that the two of them had been sharing.

"Let's go this way, perhaps we can make our own path" she said. They started off towards the deepened forest with heavy breaths as they escalated into the terrain. The crackling of branches under foot and rustling of leaves collided with the panting of a searching heart. The brush lightened and the thickening cleared opening up to a patch of grass and weeds, the perfect spot.

"Here is nice, shall we lay out the blanket?" She smiled and said yes. He gently began unrolling the blanket and preparing a spot for the two young lovers to enjoy some time alone. She walked around and took in the scenery, looking intently to see if she could find any trace of anyone other than the two of them. Nothing. She heard only his voice as he called her back to the blanket...overjoyed she skipped as if she were a child being summoned to a fourth of July picnic.

They laid there gazing into each others eyes and talked about anything and everything that came to mind. Then a sort of silence fell. Not the silence of disinterest, but the silence of an overcoming urge that was created when they locked eyes at exactly the right moment...

He reached over and stroked the side of her face with his hand, she gracefully extended hers to cradle his hand and began kissing each of his fingers. The breathing took on a different form and the looks from her to him became a little more enticing...they inched their way closer to each other all the while remaining in some fashion of physical contact. Touching with each passionate touch the moment consumed them.

He kissed her with such an insurmountable force that she tightened her eyes as if to say if they are open that it wouldn't last...her hands moved under his shirt and she began clawing ever so gently down his back. The position changed to laying and the two young lovers began engaging in the act of a full on display of uninhibited fantasy.

The muttering and sighs of an anxious beckoning slid from her lips as she entangled herself to him with the strength of her legs. Clothes were on but were being tugged seductively to suggest that this moment be the turning point for the hike. He raised up and lifted off his sweater, she raised him back up and removed his shirt...He looked down at her laying underneath him and slowly began to unbutton her blouse. One by one her chest tightened and her heart beat faster. Exposed and nervous she covered them with the blanket and began to laugh and giggle with excitement. They raised up together on their knees and kissed gently with their arms wrapped tightly around each other. He caressed her back and removed her blouse completely...he undid the latches on her bra...she reached down to undo his belt first, then his jeans...he did the same to her.

They stopped and glanced as if to ask one another permission without the use of words. Her eyes showed nothing but the longing for his touch and the desire to be one with him, his eyes responded with the gaze of instinctual overdrive...

"I love you too..." He said back to her recalling her statement from earlier that day.

Clothes were off now and nothing but the gray fleece blanket was there to shield them from the outside world. Still in kneeling position he slid his hand down to caress in between her thighs...she took in a deep breath as a chill ran down her spine. Feeling her body in all the tender areas her looked deep into her eyes and said "you are beautiful", it was at that moment that he slid his fingers deep inside of her in an act of pleasing her. She moaned to the near point of a yell and muttered the words "oh god" under her shallow heavy breathing state...she leaned in and bit him slightly on the collar bone and began to inch her way down to please him with an oral fixation...she looked up in the midst to see his eyes looking down at her and then closing in a near state of drunkenness from the drug of passion...he grabbed the back of her hair and pulled it lightly leading her to lay down...

She smiled and wrapped her legs around him once more as he thrusted himself deep into her..both of them exchanging sighs and moans, sweat pouring down as the sound of skin on skin took control...they rolled around and stopped ever so often to kiss and savor the moment, they stared into each other eyes and then they proceeded...

The primal part of their brain took control and the two acted in the way they were naturally created to act, they acted like animals....

The after affect left them both drained of energy and smitten with intense relief. "You want to smoke?" He said... "Oh god yes..." she replied.

They continued to lay there for several hours naked and exposed with only that gray fleece blanket about them and cuddled in their state of intimacy. She laid her head on his chest to listen to his heartbeat, a heart that beat only for her. Gradually they both fell asleep for an afternoon nap.

The sound of a dog barking woke them as evening began to fall. "I don't think we are alone anymore" he said with a smile..."let's go back to the cabin, I will cook you dinner..."

The two young lovers dressed themselves and gathered their belongings. Shortly thereafter they started hand in hand on the hike back.

ENCHANTMENT

2008-12-20T08:05:00.000-08:00

The glance...that moves...the feeling of skin touching skin consumes my mind and laminates my place of intensity...

To be near you, with this unbridled yearning for your touch; to hear your breath close to my ear, to feel your warmth embrace my body. The encounter of complete passion amidst the blue lighted room with you...

Lightly I caress each part of your body, my fingertips tantalized with the recognition of you. Your kiss....I love your kiss...eyes tightly closed, kissing with more meaning than I have ever kissed before. Scary...

Running my fingers through your hair as you perfectly pull mine- exhale...
Bodies colliding creating a whirlwind of emotion; tears...my eyes are happy.

When I am with you I want to be no where else...when I am with you I want to give all of myself...with you I now know what it means to truly experience wonder.

You cross my mind more often then I care to mention...what is it? What in you has awakened a side in me I never knew existed? Perhaps it is you. Just you...
You have brought back wonder and awe into my life in an area I had finally given up on. You have shown me what it feels like to be held in passion, to be cradled with contentment.

The collision of our bodies, the rolling around, the sweat, the sounds, light... I close my eyes and relive moments I have shared with you. Words cannot express that which I so passionately cling to. It is only evident in expression of the silent type. They way I close my eyes when thinking about you...the way I go weak in the knees...the way i bite my lip to let me know I am awake and not dreaming...

To hold your hand and you hold mine...to speak without words...to look into your eyes and see my reflection looking back at me. You scare me. Or rather I scare me...

I am amazed. I am petrified. I am heavy laden with remembrance. I am excited. I am grateful...I am...so unbelievably smitten by you....

You have given me the fairytale of enchantment I thought only existed in movies.

BEAUTIFUL DISASTER...

2008-12-12T16:43:00.000-08:00

When faced with the question of beauty vs vanity I look to my own life and experience for reflection and contemplation...

I can remember growing up seeing what I thought equated beauty...tall, thin, endowed in certain areas, perfect skin, long flowing hair, everything that the "beautiful" people say you should be... I felt always less than, unmeasurable compared to the girl next to me, never good enough, never beautiful, never comfortable...

Women today spend so much time "fixing" themselves up that they cover up any real attributes that they may have. Any differences, lines, shapes, marks, etc that don't fit into the magazine centerfold gets ridiculed and harshly viewed as being a form of ugliness...I dealt with this, most of us have. Women starve themselves and force themselves to throw up, monitor what and how they eat to try and fit into a certain size...because every attractive female should be like the size of a stick right?...

It makes my heart hurt, sickens my stomach to think of the sheer torture that some endure for the sake of "beauty" or rather vanity... Would I be any happier if I were taller? Thinner? More endowed? Without "imperfections"...or would I be just as hollow?

There came a point in my life where I began to really ask these questions. There comes a time in ones life where eventually acceptance of oneself for who and what we are, is the only true freedom and beauty we can ever really know! I think of my ridiculous insecurities and how they have affected a lot of areas of my life. Particularly the area of feeling inadequate...it sickens me deeply....

I can look in the mirror now and like what I see. With or without make-up, in sweats or in satin; because I realized how incredibly beautiful I am on the inside. I found love for myself through love for others and the world around me. The appreciation of true beauty- not vanity- beauty... I can see the beauty in the most unattractive situations and in the most unlikely candidates, because I no longer allow myself to be deprived of what is truly amazing...the ability to see more than meets the eye.

There have been points in my life where I have only been seen for my outer appearances, as if to say that all I were was a "pretty face", with pretty long hair... over and over I heard "your hair is so beautiful, never cut it!"...so I shaved it. Over and over I have been undressed by others eyes, and it repulses me... I feel gross, as if I did something wrong, so I hated myself for a long time about it, I wished to vanish away from any attention...yet craved the attention for some sort of sick validation. So I would go as I woke up, hair a mess, no make-up...to prove a point? All I wanted was to be seen for who I was on the inside, not just on the outside.. Shame and guilt I carried for years, perhaps from the trauma of others violating me in the most horrendous way possible and then to be blamed by the one I THOUGHT loved me as it being my fault; "well, you did something to bring it on"... Did I? I don't remember doing anything to have pills shoved into my mouth until I was unable to move and having slim recollection of who was destroying any ounce of self-esteem or self-worth I thought I had been accumulating. Was it really my fault that I woke up to some disgusting demon on top of me muzzling my mouth from screaming while my life was being threatened and my dignity was being stolen in an act of violence? Please tell me how this is my fault, what did I do to deserve this? Nothing...no one ever does anything to deserve things like that, but it happens...we can either learn from it and move on, or degrade with it to an unreachable pit. I chose the higher road, to learn to forgive, and to learn to love in spite of the disease of violence others carry...

What society deems beautiful is truly only a matter of perception. Despite what I have experienced in my life, what other women I know have experienced in their life, what pain and insecurities we have encountered and overcome, what social stigmas we have had to destroy to finally be in a place of acceptance with ourselves; we did it through seeing how much beauty there is in the world. With all its violence, poison, danger, and disgust; damn! its still so much more beautiful than ugly.

I take my life in strides now. I love living, no matter how much pain I have to endure or how much suffering I choose to partake in, the joy that comes after is worth every disaster. Every beautiful disaster in this complex life...

unfinished descriptive essay

2008-12-11T09:05:00.000-08:00

Incomplete descriptive essay...

It was late, the mist from the night time dew had already set in...the air stout with the smell of desire. The wind lightly howling through the moistened tress nearly sang a song to my exposed heart. Gusts from the crisp, cool, damp air glistened all parts of my exposed skin in such a way that produced the most obscure chills imaginable.

Light a smoke, take a drag, watch the exhale mixed between smoke and cold air roam around in front of me...the night was still and silent, so quiet; perhaps the time considered "bewitching hour." No lights, no sound, no movement; other than the sound of my cigarette burning and the movement of my body rocking ever so slightly back and forth, gently as if in a catatonic state of mind...

My eyes closed taking me to a place that I often times go to when I am alone. My place of personal fulfillment. My place of uninhibited personal powerlessness driven by the insatiable appetite for desire, passion, and intense longing for primal connection...

-end- will resume later....

PERCEPTION

2008-12-08T10:11:00.000-08:00

The unequivocal beauty of life is fashioned in such a way that all eyes are subject to matters of perception. When we can again look and realize that out of every situation and out of every cognitive reaction inevitably what happens is ever changing yet always systematic in approach, we are again able to differentiate the true from the false. But it is true and false in the most relative of terms. What may be true to you, may be false to me...and for me to negate your distinctions is to rob you of that beautiful inkling of that which sets you in that state of terminal uniqueness. Your ultimate plague/blessing of humanness...

In the same regard, my ideals of what constitutes true and false land on the plateau of what is acceptable and what is "good" to me. I choose to feel. Buddha says: "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.." That my friend is my mantra of how I decide the true from the false, or rather the true and false. I say true and false because they are at times one and the same...it is a matter of perception. Perception is what it all rounds back to. When we look at a thing, the thing we look at changes...so to what validity do I stock MY true and false?

A couple points in closing...when I do look into the spectrum of what "I" welcome and what I admonish, I think of these thoughts and how they correlate with my course of action: "Action and reaction are opposite and equal" and "All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become..." -Buddha

DRIVES

2008-12-07T22:40:00.001-08:00

To really know oneself you must first dig down deep to the inherent fears and passions that make the "clock tick". I think about the essence of that which differentiates me. What makes me "tick"... Anything and everything would be too easy of an answer, so I decided to do a little self analysis. I am driven...that's how I work. I have drives that influence my decisions, my reactions, my beliefs, and my personality.

Investigating one drive for a topical instance I chose my "drive" to reach an altered state of consciousness that supersedes my incessant human frailty. Will it ever happen? Doubtful...but the drive is to eliminate those weaknesses that keep me from a level of achievement attained through psychoanalysis that will in someway transform my muddled range of perception to an altruistic state of existence and will ebb from the near disgust of adulterated selfish desires.

I am run and driven by a thousand forms of fear, some of them beautifully masqueraded as dreams and visions of what is unavailable, some of them blatantly expressed in forms of intensities exchanged amongst interactions. Collisions, if you will, of a paradoxical primordial ooze. The very instincts and drives that distinguish man from animal...the linguistics of love. The all encompassing facades of fruition superimposed with realities of altered fashions. Altered states...altered...

So in dealing with a drive such as this, I recognize the partition of a process. An ultimate road map to keep in motion those things that I feel sets me apart, to not lose myself in the chase, and to honor my rights as an emotional being. I shall be forever in contemplation of the renditions of self that categorize my instinctual make-up, and in an unceasing search for the ability to overcome these somewhat grosser handicaps. However as for tonight, I settle for the progress of a lesson learned and an experience lived. The beauty is in the enlightenment of creation. Creating oneself, is knowing oneself; and knowing oneself is in fact creating oneself. The cyclical path of this haze called life.

SOAR HIGH!

2008-12-07T14:37:00.000-08:00

I love life....I love it all, I love experiences that are rare and hard to come by and come when least expected.

I love not having expectations of how something should be, but rather letting something be. That is at times a very hard job. I love that I am at times ridiculously over analytical and overtly insecure, because it reminds me that I am human. I love having memories that I wouldn't trade for anything and learning from all of them....

I love the fact that I have no control over how what I say or do makes waves. That keeps the mystery of living alive and that keeps the very humanness of who I am vivacious. It's beautiful really... I love that I recognize my individuality and that others have individuality as well...it's a sad place to be when trying to run the show.

I love that I remain open and am not willing today to allow fear to bind me up. I am fearful, full of fear in fact, but I will not be bound by it. Instead I will continue to walk on...that is the only thing I know to do! Walk and appreciate all of life's ups, downs, and all around turns.

I love when an unexpected turn of events breaks me free from something I have held so tightly to. I have held so tightly to inadequacies and feelings of brokenness, and after the last couple of nights, I no longer have to be bound by that, because a remedy came in the form of passion. If only for that, I am incredibly grateful...

Again I can soar...and soar I will!

You...

2008-12-07T08:37:00.000-08:00

The sounds, the touch, the smiles, the intensity...the blue light shinning from the bedside clock burns memories into my mind...

Letting go of my inhibitions for the first time in I don't know how long and engaging in a passionate display of affection...I think of you, what we have shared, how it feels/felt, and the after affect of how the memory of you transpires when I'm going through my day to day. I remember the feeling of wanting to be no where else and how good that felt. I think about being held in your arms and cherishing it intensely. I think about looking into your eyes...I like your eyes.

How did this happen? I am so very good at keeping myself detached from romantic entanglements and any form of passion expression relating to others, but not with you...You my friend are different. I could get lost in an evening with you. Scary/beautiful... I wasn't afraid, I was comfortable...Thank you for that. I haven't had that in what feels like almost a lifetime...my secret wish; "could someone help with that", I believe you did.

So I sit here typing away at my virtual diary while eating my pyramid of hazelnut chocolate balls, drinking my coffee, and entertaining feelings of perplexity...

Scary yet devastatingly beautiful...

Fragments of thought

2008-12-03T18:34:00.000-08:00

Harking the melodic rhythms playing in my mind gives me some sort of comfort and sanity in a world riddled with consequential insanity, desperate for the chord to lead me to/from balance...

Balance? A state of unfamiliarity has befuddled my temporal existence.
Why, pray tell, is there such a dramatic undertow based on such a vagrant "virtue"...

Balance. Taking it to other extremes or being an extremist, living for the wavering or the unwavering...Decisions, choices; I don't know what I want. I like not knowing, then and only then can I appreciate everything....

Random consequential flashes of thought shoot in and shoot out, leaving only remnants of sense. I understand though, even if I am the only one...it is better "to understand than to be understood." Maybe. I see and often times speak only in fragments of thought. I feel in grandiose ranges of emotions, I live in a kaleidoscope of reality that is painted in shades of gray, is gifted with visions of inspiration, and is drenched with bouts of courage and fear that guide me throughout the day.

I wonder if I'm making any sense....

The 1% Relation

2008-11-30T17:27:00.000-08:00

Fear...hm...to dissect every thing you say and how it might be taken, such an ultimate lack of control...there is no control though, its all figment of imagination.

Proud and confident around 99%, but the 1% that strikes my interest in a different manner causes me to resort into a state of timidity and insecurity...I worry about what or how I say something and how it might be received and what that 1% might be thinking about if I say this or do this and blah,blah,blah...

I guess its just part of being a sackcloth of skin filled with emotions in relation to certain other people, and the exchange of interaction that happens between those certain people. But not with all people, just the 1% people, or person, or ...

I want boldness and self-confidence- to truly be comfortable being myself without feeling reservations, and instead I fret and almost hide out of some sort of fear. I don't know maybe fear of rejection, or feelings of inadequacy, or from delving's of a previously injured self-esteem...Why? Why is it in every situation like this, I don't know what to do?! Its ridiculous, I lose sense almost. I just have to laugh at myself...

I catch myself looking sometimes at the 1% with what feels like this dumb look on my face and kinda skip and stumble over my words and blush and act like a, well like something! I hate/love this feeling. I don't like feeling like a socially awkward goof, but I like the reason that brings it about...

Whatever....grumble grumble, whine and complain; I just have to laugh at myself and shake my head and hope that maybe one day I can not act like a 15 year old school girl about the 1% relation....then again, without the awkwardness, it might not be as meaningful or as worthy.

SOUGHT, SEEK, & FOUND...

2008-11-27T13:10:00.000-08:00

Three and a half years ago...

I sought to find and wound up lost,
I sought for friends and burned bridges,
I sought for peace and chose chaos,
I sought to feel and became only numb,
I sought for happiness and lived in sadness,
I sought to live and wanted to die,
I sought for family and created enemies,
I sought for freedom and became shackled in bondage,
I sought for love and ended up with hate;
Then I sought for help, and help I did find.

Today...

I seek to find and answers come,
I seek for friends and found the fellowship,
I seek for peace and gain serenity,
I seek to feel and immerse in sentiment,
I seek for happiness and live in joy,
I seek for family and our bonds grow stronger,
I seek for freedom and find independence,
I seek for love and hope it will come;
Today I seek to help and find my reward in giving.

I am grateful to be alive....

THE PERFECT DAY

2008-11-27T08:54:00.000-08:00

The walk from the train...long and absolutely beautiful.
The coffee, strong and delicious.
The hobo, Perry, interesting and encouraging.
The book....thank you Joe.
Then the park...I love the park.

Taking out my blanket and my bag of books we find a spot that seems perfect for our afternoon. The blanket gets laid out and we take a seat. Sun shining, warm air, beautiful surroundings...let's talk, let's relax, let's laugh, and let's eat!

When I was laying there in that field, I wanted to be no where else. I haven't wanted to be no where else in a very long time....I felt almost complete in that frame of time. My heart swells with sentiment just thinking about it... It was almost surreal, almost magical. I was happy. In the truest sense, I was happy.

Smoke after smoke, peeing in the trees, walking around the shops, my eyes were almost sore with the bliss I was experiencing. Its amazing to me how much joy I can find out of such a simple day! But it wasn't simple, it was synchronicity in rare form. It was real, and too much for words to express......

The night went on as if it were a play in my heart. I don't think I could have planned a better day. Go where the wind leads and enjoy every second. I will never again have exactly what I had yesterday because there is no more yesterday. There is only now and I embrace it whole heartily....

Pizza, coffee, ice cream, ninja turtles, movie, music, and the silence that was so comfortable... Not having to say anything can sometimes be more magical than saying everything. I found myself shedding tears a couple of times, went outside to look at the stars to cover it up. Sensitive? Ha yes! I can finally feel, and feel joy, love, passion, and hope. I lived a life once where those feelings were nothing but pipe dreams. See it's days like yesterday that make all other days not only bearable, but beautiful. Hmm...the perfect day!

Who I Am...

2008-11-24T19:59:00.000-08:00

I was inspired to write this from Memoirs of an Intellect...thank you for your writings...

So in case you were wondering, this is who I am:

I am a woman. I am a mother. I am am daughter, a sister, and a friend. I am an extreme extrovert in the right situations, and an extreme introvert when telling anyone how I really feel. I love to laugh, I love to dance, I love to love. I am honest, dependable, caring, and fun! I am also scared, over analytical, insecure, and vain. I love with all that I have and all that I am, and can in turn hate almost just as passionately; but only for a time, I am quick to forgive and quick to take the blame in nearly all situations. I am strong, I have lived a life of hell and come out the other side a better woman for it...I am also weak when it comes to matters of the heart. I am an incredibly independent and rebellious individual that has a problem with co-dependency if you can picture that! I am an artist, a poet, a thinker, a dreamer, a lover; a lover with no one to love. I am a hopeless romantic always dreaming of butterflies and walks in the park holding hands and seeing my reflection in someone else's eyes. I am passionate, very passionate. I am a justice seeker for those who wont speak up, and an advocate to those who cant. I give more than I have and feel rewarded even when stepped on because I know my heart. I am very happy and very sad at exactly the same moment. I feel like a walking double standard most of the time. I come on too strong to people I am interested in getting to know, even in the non-romantic sense because people fascinate me so much, I am very much a people person. I have a mohawk. I am also a bit of an attention seeker, and I am ok with that. I can be in a room with a hundred people all focused on me and feel completely alone at the same time. I have goals, hopes, and aspirations that I am making steps toward accomplishing, and it feels really good. I like eating out and drinking coffee and spending time with friends, almost as much as I like sleeping and dreaming. I am just a girl trying to find my way in this world without adhering to what the world says I have to do or be. I want adventure, and passion, and freedom! I am who I am...

PLEASE DONT HURT

2008-11-22T18:31:00.000-08:00

I can handle pain, I can suffer; I can lose everything I have ever had (I have lost everything, lost and given it all up)--but I cannot handle the pain of those I love.

Family, friends; its almost as if I can feel everyone elses pain magnified so torturously. Oh god I wish I could take it all away...

But I cant, I just cant... I want so much to help, but I feel there is nothing I can do..

However, I can love. I can offer my ear, and my shoulder, I can give all of my physical strength to be there for those who suffer in silence, and those around me who suffer out loud. I love you all...

2008-11-21T10:15:00.000-08:00

Please suck me into the abyss. Anything to stop the relentless chatter...

The body controlled by the mind. Emotions. To emote. To stay in the perpetual morass of lack and coming out whole and incomplete at the same time...

Paradoxically coherent. Radically imposing the vast overlay of introspection and the obsession for extroverted desires or rather the language of the heart.

Will freedom in expression ever reach the altruistic plane of limitless possibilities? Or will I be destined to live a life of solitude with nothing but my passions to keep me vivacious?

Sadness of the soul. Torturous wretched human frailty. Beautiful soul...Beautiful disaster of sorts; yet never finding rest. Rest?

COGITO ERGO SUM

2008-11-20T12:02:00.001-08:00

I am reading these little concept descriptions about Philosophy through the ages and I decided to look more into Descartes' "Cogito ergo sum". In reading it, I felt that the avenue of doubt truly can be not only dispelled 9as far as in a perceptional stand point), but embraced (odd as it may sound). I think about where doubt actually comes from, not in the "demonic" sense as Descartes relays; but in the insecurities of human emotion, the frailty of our finite existence....the desire to know or be and ultimately, the desire to believe. He set off in his 'Method of Doubts' to go against and recreate beyond the medieval concepts to "establish the sciences" with a new and firm foundation. He used the metaphor of the rotting apples; instead of taking out the rotten one (or the fallible belief) he throws them all out (all beliefs) to start from nothing and arise into something. He stripped himself of everything, beliefs, physicality's, even the world around him and declared his salvation being found in the cogito. He refers to everything in this writing as God vs. Demon- I look at the terms as God meaning truth, and Demon meaning deception in a very liberal sense. He wrote...the [demon]" 'will never bring it about that I am nothing so long as I think that I am something....I am, I exist, is necessarily true whenever it is put forward by me or conceived in my mind'".

Wow, I loved this! Basically stated, I think therefore I am; and age old saying (obviously since Descartes is 1600 era). So just making this far in the reading I stopped and thought a while about this couple of lines. My truth cannot be shaken unless I allow room for doubt, as long as I am coherent with the truth, then I cannot be deceived by the lies...relatively speaking that is.

Reading on...there are three limitations that come out of the cogito: it is first-personal only; mine works with me, and yours works with you- second it is present tense and basically states as long as we are thinking, we exist; when we stop thinking, we no longer exist- third is I may not seriously have what I think makes me, me and this could very well still be of the [demon] deceptions. My resource book says..."in sum the 'I' of the cogito is a bare instant of self-consciousness, a mere pinprick cut off from everything else, including its own past."

For me the 'sum' referred to above, is amazingly on point and is a place I try desperately to find. The present, the relinquish of the past, the freedom of only the here and now..."one moment at a time".

Here is where the building from ground zero begins; he develops a rule: 'that the things we conceive very clearly and very distinctly are all true'. He follows this up as truth because of God. [God] brings about only truth in idea and is perfect therefore he will not lend us a deceptive thought- or an un-truth. My views...how does he know it is only of a [God] inspiration when he is in thought, or for that matter how can he attest to differentiate good/God from bad/demon if he has deconstructed his entire belief structure? And do not all concepts derive essentially from someone/where else, for there is no such thing as ultimate original thought, right?

Cogito ergo sum was meant to rule out skepticism and doubt in an attempt at rational pursuit of knowledge, and he actually left just the opposite affect of many later dated Philosophers. He does however mention that deception can occur (and will occur-to me) so we may be wrong in thinking something to be of sound rational of idea or thought, but we will not be able to know if we are making such a mistake and if we don't identify the problem we therefore cannot give a clear answer or statement of ultimate truth. Or can we? So, this once again, leaves much room for what he was battling against; skepticism.

SO, I am now spinning here writing this and reading and trying to wrap my mind around it, and I hit wall after wall....It almost leaves me feeling at a place of a double-standard; which I have found is essential in theory for that brings about further attempts at the quest for truth.

PLATO'S CAVE

2008-11-19T12:33:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I have been doing some study on a lot of things, and recently what has really been "speaking" to me is the Allegory of the Cave (book 7 of Republic). I have read, and re-read, done cross reference searches, looked at the multi-faceted debates on the story, and am just in awe I guess. Something I have read many times before and only now I have been able to really take it in! It just came to me after a converation with Joe and Aidan at dinner last night, just the mention of The Republic brought me back to a concept of Philosophy dating back over 2000 years, and one I had almost forgotten about.

The Cave....chained up and shackled to the wall seeing only yours and the others around you shadows. That's all they know of reality, that is their reality. The prisoners representing "ordinary people" thriving in a world riddled with illusion. The Cave representing "the realm of becoming". The prisoner unchained and mobile around the cave gains the most accurate view of reality within the ever-changing world of experience and perception, he sees what the shadows actually are....Then there is the world outside the Cave that, in contrast, represents "the realm of being". Here in this layer of the Allegory is where the ultimate truth is in interpretive based on the objects of knowledge. The objects related here being the perfect, unchanging, and ultimately eternal...

SO, according to the influences I am reading it would be correct in saying that "in Plato's view, what is known must not only be true but also perfect and unchanging". The thing with this is nothing inside the Cave (aka the empirical world) supports this. So since nothing in the Cave is an object of knowledge, the other realm is then proposed (the outside). It is there where the perfect and unchanging entities are brought into play referred to as "Forms" or rather ideas. This then spells out the hierarchy among Forms that the Sun is representing the "Form of Good", which gives all the other forms their ultimate meaning of existence.

So that being said, my interpretation of it all is as follows, for years I lived inside the cave seeing only my shadows and the shadows of those around me as my ultimate truth, until I was set free of captivity and allowed to roam around seeing reality for what it really was, and is...So I found the path to enlightenment and walked outside and really got a glimpse into the true realm of perception and truth, well, so far as truth can be perceived.... I have taken to the joy of what I have been able to see and have walked back into the cave to share with my fellows; stumbling from the brightness of the truth and the darkness of what once was, being rejected and cast aside as if the outside, or the Good, spoiled me in some way... (The defense for Socrates comes into play here is this sense) But, such is the path of the narrow-minded, the ones who willingly chose to stay in the dark...not me, I thirst for the "Good"...

It just kinda sucks to usually go at it alone.

AMAZING

2008-11-19T11:13:00.001-08:00

SHATTERED IN TWO

2008-11-18T15:49:00.000-08:00

Wherein lies the deceptions of self, in what convalescent surroundings does the hearer have its true ability to be real?

Real...novel concept. To what avail? And if by real we mean tangible, then by sheer necessity we evade the spirit. Spirit of self...soul. Me. You. We....

I try day in and day out to function as if I were living in reality, but in who's? Certainly not mine, for mine is a place where nothingness exists only to become the nothingness inside your blackened heart. My heart...ripped up morsels of what once was. Lost deceit. Shameful indignation.

What do I profit from opening my life up to you? You, you are outside of me, so how could you ever understand? You cant, don't you know that? I don't want to let you in, no one comes in and I never come out.

My fortress of self mutilation has cast barricades of falsehood, traps and snares to keep me safe from you. All of you...

Never again, never will I let anyone in, all you do is take, take, take, then leave nothing but my shell of brokenness. I hate you. For hate in itself is love. So the question remains....

Please someone, please set me free form this desolate cave of remorse...of loneliness....of finely tuned self denial. No, you mustn't come near me; no stay away! Please come! Go! Please don't leave! I need you, don't you see? Because of you, I'm killing me...

PLEASURE

2008-11-18T11:39:00.000-08:00

Cold and shivering I stand naked and bare... The creaking knobs on the faucet pierce my ears as a shiver runs tingling down my spine. The soothing sounds of the water bring excitement into my body; first hot...then cold.

Step in...eyes closed...moving my head circular while the drops of water beat down rapidly on my face. The warmth of the water trickles from my head to my toes, touching every part of my body, freeing me from the weight of the day.

Steam begins to rise and I move my hands gently over my skin saturating every part of myself and embracing the feel of the water.

I think of you, what you might be doing, what you might be thinking about...then I remember the dream of last night. I remember waking up in exhaustion from a dream so real, as if we were together in our sleep. I remember the engulfing passion that I arose with...and wishing it was reality.

I lean against the shower walls and immediately the cold from the unmoistened walls created chills of an immense effect. I continue to let the water flow over my body and continue to use my hands to make sure it gets every part of me. I close my eyes once more and attempt to recreate the feelings of the night before, the feelings of your touch, the sensation of your wonder. I begin to relive that satisfaction with myself alone, standing there almost weak in the knees at the ability to get just the right spot...my breath growing heavier, and stronger; light moans grow louder...

My legs are growing weaker now; dont stop....dont stop, I begin to slide down the wall to a sitting position rearing from being out of breath. Satisfaction...almost; its not the same alone, its not the same without you.....

DREAMS

2008-11-17T22:12:00.000-08:00

I falter at thoughts of you, dazed by the passion in your eyes. Let me bask in the warmth of your embrace. Hold me in the depth of your delight and with the strength of your zest. Memories of nights spent gazing in each others eyes have left my heart spoiled in the vastness of love. Harmonic sounds flood my soul as we collide, intertwined in flesh. Delicate hand gestures rapture my unbridled yearning for you. Your scent stains my heart the deepest red and my skin crawls with sweet caresses by your sensitive touch. Your lips leave imprints on my tantalized body. My fingers clinched tightly on the sheets below with the exhaustion of satisfaction. Arrest me once again into your whirlwind of emotion. Don't leave, stay, please stay....

Then I woke; to find myself immersed in nothing more than a shattered dream of a hopeless romantic.... A memory to an event that never took place. A feeling of a passion dormant, unused, unwanted, unfulfilled.... A broken concept... Nothing more than a dream..

NOISE OF THE HEART

2008-11-17T19:38:00.000-08:00

Love, pain, joy, sorrow, fear, faith; the noise of the heart plays continually between my ears....what lies inside, where is the truth in all of this? How does one distinguish reality and fantasy? Bottled with insecurity and plagued by the constant curiosity of what my life is really all about.

Is it about family? Friends? Is it about work? Or Play? Why is the battery of thought so hard to comprehend. I can t even tell my ups from my downs at times. Fickle human frailty! Emotional sensitivity.....

"The natural reaction to life's destruction deviates from the manipulate deceptions rendered as our own human emotions." Well said.

I am the creator of my chaos, my dissension, and ultimately my defeat. Or am I the creator of my serenity, my love, my zeal to succeed? Love...sweet love.

I love to love, to be in love....to give everything that I am and all that I have. Be it reciprocated or unrequited, to share the abundance I have in my heart is my dream. How could one entity be possessed with so many avenues of emotion?

I wear my heart on a sleeve, freely...I love/hate that about me....
All that I am and all that I have.....fly with the wind, run with the unabridged leading of my heart. Hopeless romantic? Absolutely. I wouldn't have me any other way.

Life is certainly an interesting playground!

JOURNEY UNKNOWN

2008-11-17T19:35:00.000-08:00

A journey unknown; erratic in sequence- tick, tick, tick: LOST

Chasing life's' effervescent voidance that consummates displacancy and shackles a need for more, more, more: BREATHE

A journey unknown; the escaping of self, profoundly searching- aimlessness, denial

Face that which renders your destiny; through the jaded looking glass indulge your one stronghold--- FACE YOU

Fear binds your pathway of discovery, fear of the unknown: TRUE IDENTITY

Mirror mirror on life's' destructive and endeavors wall, step into possibility where enlightenment inevitably shall befall.

DIFFICULTY

2008-11-17T19:34:00.000-08:00

Why is it always so fucking difficult? Difficult. Then again, if life was easy it really wouldn't be life now would it? Or would it...

Most days I am ok, some days I am better than ok. Then there are those days where any form of ok is just not feasible.

Self-pity....hatred....remorse...and back to self-pity.

To all outside appearances I look happy. Act happy, put on a happy fucking face. And die daily on the inside. What is it? What viable component of feeling like a worthwhile human being am I lacking? Why is it that I always feel two steps below a piece of shit?

WORK THE STEPS, GO TO MEETINGS, IT GETS BETTER...

Better? That is a relative term. I am better on the outside. School, work, daughter, friends, but on the inside....No one knows, no one cares. Happy with me? Not today. Maybe tomorrow. Alone, inside and out. Born alone...die alone.

But it gets better right? I won't be holding my fucking breath on that promise.

DAILY FASCADE

2008-11-17T19:30:00.000-08:00

Circular room, walls stained with emotions....spinning, spinning, I find myself spinning.

Laughing hysterically, crying uncontrollably, drenched with denial, reeking of cinematic disillusionment.

Lost...chasing what doesn't exist. Seeking to find answers of questions unasked.

Desperate to live. Life exploited.....reality. Harsh lonely reality. Dark sinister existence.

Nothingness. Emptiness. Hollow veins pump fluid as cold as ice.

Yearning for warmth, to feel the temperature rise within me. To hold once more. To breathe in and simply breathe out. To be and be ok...just for once to truly be ok. Im not ok. Never have been. Patternistically never will be.

Yet its the dreams that survive. The realm of fantasy I play in escape of the hell in which I live.

The place where I can be anyone and anything. To never be hurt or rejected, to never grow weary or faint, to be in control and direct the scenes.

Ha...hmm....bittersweet histrionic....impending doom. When the masque comes off and the curtain closes, all that remains is the shell. Nobody knows. To be trusting enough to let you in I would be a fool. Tell me your secrets, and I will forge you mine. You don't know me, you never will. The wall around my heart is stronger than anything I have encountered so far. God his self hasn't broken through. From the inside I frantically look for a way out, the avenue to freedom.

My fingers bleed with the pains of trying. Yet no door has been found.

So the daily facade shall continue....I lie in wait.

PAIN

2008-11-17T19:29:00.000-08:00

Pain....life....love?.... to what avail.

The end or the beginning? A death or a rebirth? What the fuck man, fuck some pain.

Now suffering, Im good at that one, but its optional. Optional death by misery.

LOST REFLECTIONS

2008-11-17T19:27:00.000-08:00

The depth of perception is limited by my ability to believe in the curious uncertainties of reality.

Reality-who's reality?

My glasses change shades as I trudge through the toils of iniquity and dishevelment; the harsh deceptions that make up life.

Inside I die on a daily basis; my emotions are torn in two- double minded I crawl to the mirror of self-discovery only to find that my reflection is unavailable.

Lost, searching, bleeding, needing....

Looking in the mirror again I am reminded of the me I want to be; I stand and turn away- the journey unceasing, revealing strength I thought was long since dispelled. I pick up the pieces, put myself back together, and walk on...

REJECTION

2008-11-17T19:25:00.000-08:00

Anguish-torture-peace-serenity...my calloused heart screams for the end.

Depleted of all internal happiness I begin to lose hope for the dawn of a new day. To love then to lose...

The final white flag of surrender to the relentless destruction of a union that never should-or utterly never could...could thrive, could survive.

My veil of tears stream red as the blood in my veins; my heart faintly beating- starving to once again feel the love that ignites the soul and brings life to the eyes.

My love was ripped from me and traded in for a bottle. Denial-anger-acceptance...finally acceptance. Slowly I begin to breathe once more, one day at a time.

BROKEN

2008-11-17T16:26:00.000-08:00

Broken inside- the darkness consumes...

Shame, guilt; haunts of shattered memories plague my existence.

Riddled with iniquity my scratch marks bleed the walls with a rusted red.

Temperatures rise and fall taking my peace, stealing my joy; drowning me in remorse...

Jaded and torn-will I ever find my way out? Or will I always be a volunteer to the madness of my mistakes.

Dizzy, very dizzy...the spinning wheel forms knots inside.

My soul in anguish.

Round and round the cyclical judgement marks its territory making its home my broken heart.

LACK

2008-11-17T16:25:00.000-08:00

Shadows, broken, lost...denial- always denial.

Vengeance and science, total annihilation of self indignation. Righteously imperfect. Egotistically insane. Hopelessly incomplete.

Fire, breath, laugh, cry, love....love.

To fight for so much and to gain so very little. To realize that satisfaction wrests on my ability to accept. To fill a void that can only be seen. To know that in death I find some paramount of new life.

Drastic measures, extremes- chaotic extremist. Flippant, impulsive, intense...

I long for wholeness yet find my comfort in lack. Will I ever be whole? Is there such thing?

Religion, faith, mortality, life, love...always back to love.

Struggling to just be.

SHADES OF GRAY

2008-11-17T16:24:00.000-08:00

Beauty, Laughter, Change, Warmth, Freedom, Knowledge, Love...

Uncontrollable desires of grandeur and imagination. Living in the fallows of my mind....reality?
I strive now to live each second as if it were my last, to experience the fullness of what life has to offer, to breathe each beautiful unwasted breath.

I dream many dreams....I often find that I hide in these wonderful dreams for fear that life may never be as satisfying as my own mental creations....I hide and suffer in silence.

Now however, my desire to let life happen in reality has overcome my fears and insecurities of it never being enough. Enough is what I make it. Life is what I want it to be...

I love, therefore I am; love for all things-pain, romance, indecision's, intensity. The vastly growing perception of "what is" permeates my once fallible mind, breaking the wounded shackles that block my heart. I feel, therefore I live.

There is no black and white anymore; there only is.

UNDENIABLE BEAUTY

2008-11-17T16:23:00.002-08:00

Staring at the tar filled landscape in front of me I found myself deep in thought about just how beautiful life really is. My attention was turned to an oil slicked water puddle growing in size as the rain continued to fall. With every single drop a perfectly circular ripple manifested. I watched the circles start small, grow, and combine with the other ones. The intricately formed waves reminded me to find beauty amongst even the most unattractive situations. A dirty, smelly, oily parking lot full of trash and waste held a puddle that created beautiful patterns as each drop of rain fell from above. In the past 3 years of my life I have been given "a new pair of glasses" or a changed perception if you will. So much in life gets overlooked and taken for granted. So many people spend their time focusing on the negative side of life and missing the opportunity to open their eyes and truly see how much beauty can be found even in the most unbearable situations. I strive to find beauty in all things, to never lose hope, to never stop dreaming, and to always believe there is more than meets the eye. Im so intensely emotional... I feel everything and I appreciate my feelings for what they are-all of my feelings; be it fear, anger, worry, or even pain. Most importantly I appreciate the ability to love regardless of whats going on in my life and to give love whether or not it is given back. Coming out of such horrendous pain where I saw only the bleak and miserable side of living, to now feeling like the boy from American Beauty video taping the wind blown bag explaining why its beautiful; comes as a direct result in my opinion from a spiritual awakening. Sometimes I get so caught up in awe at life that I feel as though I should be skipping down the yellow brick road with rose petals falling out of my ass. I want so badly to share how I feel but I keep it inside until Im ready to burst. I want to yell from the roof tops, sing in the streets, and paint the city with love...LOL!! Buddha says "be the change you want to see"... If people only knew just how beautiful life can be regardless of circumstances, situations, or pain. I have so much love to give and so much to learn... I stand for justice and diplomacy, I believe in honesty and tolerance, I never apologize for being me, and I love with everything that I have and all that I am...Life is undeniable beauty

ANGST

2008-11-17T16:23:00.001-08:00

Up and down, raging with emotion uncharted....soul in anguish as another year passes by.

Visions of life while wishing for death....some days the end seems so much more realistic than this reality I live in

Live..love, life and pain.

What? Questions? Today....sleep, wake up tomorrow....eyes wide shut.

HEARTACHE

2008-11-17T16:22:00.000-08:00

We are born out of pain, is it not then expected that we are to live in pain? Or to at least live with pain...

Nothing so loud as the sound of a heart breaking- the ominous rattling of shattered expectations and the oozing of that which makes us human; emotions.

Fear, faith, love, hate, anger; all forms of fear masqueraded in the unification of souls. Looking in the mirror of my soul is as if the pieces belong in the sinister hall of a fun house emporium.

Yet what would be life without pain. I embrace it as a common place state of existence.

HUMAN DISGUST

2008-11-17T16:20:00.000-08:00

Rotten....Rotting? Decomposition of the precious distinctions that makes me human.

Lying in my waste of humanness, my pool of muddled emotions, drowning in the sorrow of agonizing torment...please let me fucking die.

Sometimes I scream so loud that I feel as if my entire being is about to burst into a million little pieces, screaming with the silence of thought. The mind...what a lovely asset/liability to be plagued by.

How do I stop the noise...please god all I want is quiet. Just a few fucking minutes without the relentless chatter of fear, doubt, sorrow, and misery.

But, with each new day dawns a horizon of unbridled encompassing possibilities.
It may seem like I am consumed with self-pity, I may scream that I am miserable, but in all actuality, Im just fucking normal.

I dont want much out of life, just to be able to live, even though at times I wish for death, not in the physical sense, but the death of metaphorical compassion.
Bi-polar? Who fucking cares, pain lets me know Im still alive. In my own sick way I thrive on it, I dont know how to handle happy.

My masq would disagree, but you don't know me, I hardly do...

More Than Meets the Eye

2008-11-17T16:19:00.000-08:00

Solitude...Solicitude... Are we meant for more?

The vastness of grandiosity vexes my clarity and forces me to engage in the monotonous rhythm of societal conformity. Is existence even definable, or for that matter the undefined defines existence itself...

Fatally mortal, wounds that stretch for miles, gut wrenching memories plague my tempered step. Each wasted breath brought back for reflection.

What lies ahead...there is no ahead. All equations are here, all answers are one; one multi-faceted engagement of chaos. So it is that the natural reaction of life's destruction dissipates from the manipulate deceptions rendered as our own human emotions.....